Shifting on Dreams

I was thinking about this blog, about what I’d like to convey.  For years I’ve been resistant to the blog-band-wagon movement. Not that I don’t appreciate other works I’ve seen. A lot of my friends have blogs. I follow their Southeast Asian searching-for-self travels, their apple orchard infestation mini-disasters, their waterproof backpack reviews, and their preparing-for-baby journaling. It is all interesting and I love keeping up with my friends in this way.

But, the impression I had seemed/seems/is self-serving and a lot of work. I was told, however, if I wanted to be serious about writing, then I would have to seriously write. A lot. And Get-Over-Myself by putting it out there for the world to follow, quote, comment on, and judge.  Knock yourselves out. So, here I am, here I go. Self-serving and that’s ok.

In the interest of being less chicken-shit, and facing my challenges, I’ve got some big questions I want answered. Questions about dreams. Now stick with me.  I know how this all sounds. I cringe a little at any commentary on the “follow your dreams” mantra.  It’s more complicated than that, thanks stuffed smiling bear with a sign. I have a mortgage (and how the hell did that happen? I’ve been a contented vagabond for 13 years! But that’s another long-winded story.)

Snarky eyebrow raising aside, what is it about following dreams, about chasing dreams that I keep coming back to?  “Following” and “Chasing” has an air of wandering or desperation, of carrot on a stick, within sight but always out of reach. I don’t like to perpetuate that can’t-ever-quite-get-there but good-try-anyway stigma.  What are my actual goals, actual dreams? What did I want to be as a child, and how was it that I lost sight of that? What keeps me from practically realizing that dream? And what of my friends, my parents, and the people I pass in the pasta isle of the grocery store? What do they wish they were doing?

Adventure seeking is only a part of what I’ve always wanted and it was an admittedly simple and safe move to say that was what my blog would be solely about. That theme, for me, was fledgling and much like “chasing” or “following” in and of itself. And as my dreams include adventure and freedom as vital parts of the whole, I’ve come to (never say “mature,”) knowing that adventure cannot fully and wholly define my being.

When I glance on a startling idea, it’s like a glimpse through a keyhole, seeing a scene on the door’s far side, and then just as there was a flash of lightness, there is the knotty, dark, mahogany, locked door again. And I think, when I get some time later, I’m going to write down what I saw through that keyhole.  And later, when I’m writing, that will be the goodness.

And I sit with that feeling—how great it will feel later to feel great as I write  about what I’ve seen.

Whereas there’s admittedly a shred of joy in anticipation of that feeling, why the hell don’t I cut the wait and just write? Pull over the car and write it down, when I wake in the night – get up and address it. That’s something to work on. As is this, my somewhat reluctant blog endeavor. I want to be authentic in action, in write. Endeavoring to Authenticity. Onward Motions.

Cheers to Good Words,

-Codye

Coffee Shop Adventure Seeking

I work at a coffee shop. Again. I’ve been a barista on and off since I was 15.  I love the intellectuals reading intently and taking notes, the philosophers one-upping each other’s volume as they try to make their point, the second-date high schoolers holding mochas with both hands and peering at each other through shy eyelashes. I wonder about where people have come from and where they’re going. A few years ago I wrote an article exploring this feeling. It was published in the glorious Mountain Gazette. See here:

www.mountaingazette.com/mountain-notebook/like-the-turtle-lake-boulders/

A few nights ago, as I was scrubbing the espresso machine, a slight woman came in and posted a flyer she’d brought. When she left I went to read it, drying my hands as I stood in front of the board.

I saw guitar lessons, meditation groups, dog walking services, dance shows, conferences, and discussion groups. I had no idea which flyer was hers. But there was a clear moment that I realized more was happening in this town than I could ever see or do.

For the month of April I am going to attend, contact, or investigate two posted notices a week. I’m new to town and looking for adventure. Here I go.